The Boob Man

The Boob Man

I’m not exactly sure when it happened, but I know that at the age of 5, I was fascinated by attractive women and their breasts. It didn’t matter if they were young, old, or in between. The fact of the matter was I was in love with breasts!

I had managed to get a girlfriend in every restaurant we went to. The servers would flirt with me, and of course I had to act shy, but my eyes always wandered down to their breasts. Those nice firm bubbles popping through the top of their shirts. Now, I’m trying to be polite about this, but I like to call them boobs. I think it’s funny how little boys can get away with things grown men can’t get away with. When I looked at their boobs, it was considered cute, but when Dad looked at their boobs, he got in trouble.

I can remember grabbing my mom’s boobs, and feeling my way under her bra. We would both be laughing I think because she didn’t feel violated by her loving “little” guy. After all, wasn’t youth about being curious? Oh I was curious all right and I wanted to feel those magnificent things that jumped out of her chest! I wanted to see them, and I wanted to squeeze them.

I even tried my techniques on grandma, and it worked a couple of times as I aggressively shoved my hand into her shirt digging for gold, and if I was quick enough, I could get under the bra and feel a boob. But that didn’t last too long because grandma said it wasn’t nice to touch her boobs. That was the first time I felt the pain of rejection, but that still didn't stop me from trying.

I was completely taken by the beauty of females, and I had an eye for the best looking women in town. If they were cute, I was on it and they never seemed to mind. They even asked my name, and a couple of them said, “when you get a little older, we can get married!” I was excited. I had girlfriends, and I was going to get married.

It was a pretty good life for a little guy at the age of 5, but now that I’m almost 7, I find that girls aren’t as easy to catch. Instead of being called “little and cute,” I’m sometimes called “a little pervert,” by my older sister. I still like boobs, and my Mom and Grandma call me a “boob man.” I think they mean it as a compliment, but even if it isn’t, at least it’s the truth.

The Tea Cup

The Tea Cup

8/25/15

That’s not my cup of tea, she said, with a wink of her eye and a tilt of her head. So disconnected I have become, trying hard to connect with the all great one. Do you know why this friendship works? Because neither one of us gives a shit! He turned his head to face her. “And I thought you cared,” he said, sarcastically.

“I’m not sure I really like your new attitude," he continued. "Ever since you started this practice, it’s been harder and harder for me to understand you. I find that rather disturbing at times. I thought if I allowed you to go follow your guru, you would return a better person, and instead you have returned a challenge.” She almost allowed herself to react to his stupid words. Oh wait, that would be judgmental of her, okay, not stupid, just … stupid.

He had had every opportunity to join her in the new journey. He was invited every step of the way, but instead he decided to be a part-time participant. Instead of going with the flow, he stayed stuck in his old patterned beliefs. Everything he believed, he had been told or taught since he was a child. Choices, it all came down to choices. Every second of every minute of every hour of every day we were making choices, and he couldn’t keep his eyes open long enough to see that, but it was she who had the “new attitude.” What a pompous ass, she thought. If he doesn’t see the path soon, I will have to let him go, and I will do it with much joy, she thought to herself.

“My new attitude, as you call it, has saved this marriage. Had I not changed my ways we would have been divorced by now. Don’t you realize that finding inner peace and happiness is the key to all things? I no longer wish to participate in your bouts of anger and accusations. I’m tired of feeling down. I know there is a better world out there, and actually, it’s really within all of us. All we need to do to find it is seek within. Why won’t you come along with me? Why do you choose to remain where you are? Can’t you see that I’m still in love with you?”

He placed his hands gently on her shoulders and looked deeply at her face. Her beautiful light blue eyes reminded him of the time he sat on the banks of clear streams that flowed in quiet places. He remembered being surrounded by trees and listening to the sounds of nature. Her skin was still so soft and radiant looking with only fine lines from the years gone by. He remembered how much he had always loved slowly touching the back of his hand against her cheek just because it felt so soft. Her hair still shined but now had streaks of grey here and there, and even though it seemed a bit thinner, it still bounced and curled around her shoulders and face.

He loved this woman very deeply, and she deserved the happiness she was seeking. “I will try harder, he said. If you will be patient, and understand this is a huge step for me. I was raised with beliefs that will be difficult to let go of, and take time to change. I too want to be filled with peace, love, and happiness. I can see that what I have insisted upon holding on to, has not brought me those things. I love you so much. Thank you for loving me.”

He held her close and began to cry. Something men weren’t supposed to do, or at least that was what he had been taught. Well, that was the first belief he was going to trash. It felt good to let go and allow his emotions to flow. It was like an inner cleansing. Perhaps his spirit was becoming lighter already. Either way, he knew it was good, she was good, and this new path was good.

The Other Woman

The Other Woman

The first time I saw her I thought to myself, what in the world could the attraction be? Simple, yet homelier in appearance than myself, or at least that’s how I felt. She had a “worn out look,” with her hair loosely flying about, no makeup to speak of, just herself. No fancy clothing, an old knit hat, a look that was almost difficult to describe. For sure I knew she didn’t just step off the pages of Abundance Magazine. Of course, neither had I, and there seemed to be nothing there but simplicity. She was definitely, all natural, with a look that one could almost feel sorry for, and absolutely nothing to write home about. Not even a great figure. What was the attraction? Why... (as I let my ego run), why I was a far better choice in many ways I thought to myself, so why wasn’t I even in the running?

What is it about these women that seem to have and hold the very essence of love within them selves? They are able to connect with those very men that most women truly desire, but cannot find. Feeling confused, I left, and with that the thoughts left as well. Who really had the time to invest in any kind of loving relationship? Surely not I.

As the months passed I continued to enjoy living MY life. Not the life of a “we,” and there was much joy in living that way, but on occasion I found myself thinking about a partner. I wanted someone I could enjoy good conversation with, and go out with occasionally. Maybe to the local pub for a good beer, or to a friend’s house to watch a great game of football. Someone I could go to the movies with. Deep down I knew there were limits to what I could give. Friendship, not true deep committed love. Just friendship, that was all I had to give. The days of wine and roses had long since past, and there wasn’t anymore Love to give. I knew beyond anything else, I was incapable of being intimate ever again.

That’s when he showed up. How surprised I was that he had almost every quality that I had desired. He seemed kind, generous, and he was real smart, in fact, almost too smart! There wasn’t a conversation I couldn’t keep up with, and there was so much interesting information inside his head. I loved that he was a musician and artist, a farmer, plus he had even given me a “row” of dirt on the farm that was to be my very own to plant anything I wanted in this coming season. It all seemed so wonderful until he said those not so golden words. “I want to talk to you,” he said with a tone of seriousness. “I really like you, and I want to be your boyfriend, and I really think we should have sex! I want a companion.”

Seriously? Was he just saying those words to me, as we sat on the futon in my very small living room? Quick calculation 1^st meeting lasted 4 hours, second meeting lasted 5 hours, two trips to his house for the day, which included two of the best home cooked meals ever, 16 hours, dinner at Souris 5 hours, then tonight’s party 4 hours. Pretty ballsy… if you ask me. So spending 34 hours with this stranger instantly qualified me as a potential girlfriend especially if the sex turned out to be great? “I’m sorry, but I do not need to have someone in my life. I don’t need or want a companion, and I am happy by myself.” I replied. “I think you are very nice, and I have enjoyed our time together, and our conversation, but I would have to think about this.”

Did I look as stupid as I just thought he must think I am? “At our age, there is no reason why we shouldn’t just dive right into this, right?” I wanted to say to him in a sarcastic way. I had just spent the last 2 years working on myself and trying to come to terms with all that had happened in my life, all the wrong doings I had done, all the poor choices I had made, and people I had pushed away because of my behavior, and I had finally found inner peace and happiness. Two years of study, contemplation, change, challenges, and commitment to self-improvement, and I wasn’t in the mood to flush all that down the toilet for anyone!

I was not seeking a sexual relationship, that, I was sure of. I was content with my life of solitude. My life of ease, and I so enjoyed the fact that I could finally do what I wanted when I wanted without any concern for another. I had found my selfishness to be exactly what the doctor ordered. Oh, I could spend a few hours with someone, but please don’t expect more than a friendship. I could see how this was going to present some interesting challenges. Like driving through San Francisco, without brakes. I actually felt the pain when on the 3^rd date he asked for a kiss. A kiss? You think I should kiss you just because I have talked with you for 12 or 13 hours? I reluctantly gave into the kiss, but it was like kissing the hood of my truck. What was this resistance that was coming to surface?

There was something that I found unsettling about him. Perhaps it was his love of solitude, his dislike for humanity, his desire to control all conversation because, after-all, he was a psychologist at one time, and he knew everything about humanity, including their reasons for why they felt like they did. Or maybe it was just simply the fact that I didn’t find him attractive enough to desire a sexual relationship with him. Either way, the phone calls stopped, and he quietly disappeared. Rather rude I thought. The least he could have done was express that he was moving on in his search for a “companion,” but we could still be friends.

I rejoiced in the fact that we didn’t have sex because I knew that would have been more than I could find comfort with. My intuition had been right on, and for that I was grateful. Healing from this and moving into a lifestyle of being celibate would be easy. I had learned that what I “thought” I wanted wasn’t really what I wanted, because the thing I wanted doesn’t exist. I would simply have to be okay with being completely alone. Female friendships would have to be the only friendships I would attempt to cultivate, absolutely no more male friendships, no matter what!

And so, when she walked in and interrupted my conversation with her conversation about the “goings on” in her life, I simply walked away without thinking too much about it. Sitting in the big red chair, the only single seat in the house, I started to play the “write a poem” game as I waited for the meeting to start. It had been a long time since I had been here, and as much as it had taken real effort to get there, I was glad I attended.

As everyone took a seat, she started in with an endless flow of conversation about this and that, and from here to there, and in an amazing way I began to notice she was such a loving spirit. Her knowledge of life, love, and true spirit of the heart, far exceeded mine, and I could feel the sincerity coming forth with every word as they danced away from her. Even in her telling of the events in her life, which most people would never have spoken of, she showed no embarrassment nor care of being criticized, almost as if she never even considered that could happen. No ego. That’s the gift she had, absolutely no ego.

She is a far better person than I. That is the true attraction. For beauty is not on the surface, it comes from within. That is why she has all that which others’ seek, and she always will, I thought to myself. I found her to be so fascinating, a life overflowing with experiences that would have hardened the soul of most, and the most captivating part of it was how she viewed those experiences. Those weren’t thorns in her side, or scars which would never find their way out, but all stepping-stones to where she was right now. Stepping-stones to a life filled with wealth and an abundance of love, kindness, and understanding. Not a fear based life, but a life filled with love so much so, she was more than willing to share.

Now I see what the attraction is, I see how I couldn’t touch the tip of her iceberg if I tried. There will be much more to accomplish if I ever hope to be half the woman she is. This one thing I do know for sure, I need to put my ego aside and find that level of love. I also need to make her a friend because I want to hear a lot more of what she has to say. She is a great teacher in disguise, and while I may not have reached the level of love for all things that I would like to reach, I know that through this friendship I can only grow more and learn another way to view all that is.

She is a great teacher. I could almost guarantee she wouldn’t agree with that statement because for her, she “just is.” However, being humble and not of the ego is what creates space for love. I can hardly wait for our next meeting. I hope she will attend thus giving me an opportunity to get to know her better. I think she just might be what I was looking for. Right off the cover of Abundance Magazine.