The
Other Woman
The
first time I saw her I thought to myself, what in the world could the attraction
be? Simple, yet homelier in appearance than myself, or at least that’s how I
felt. She had a “worn out look,” with her hair loosely flying about, no makeup
to speak of, just herself. No fancy clothing, an old knit hat, a look that was almost difficult
to describe. For sure I knew she didn’t just step off the pages of Abundance Magazine.
Of course, neither had I, and there seemed to be nothing there but simplicity.
She was definitely, all natural, with a look that one could almost feel sorry
for, and absolutely nothing to write home about. Not even a great figure. What
was the attraction? Why... (as I let my ego run), why I was a far better choice in
many ways I thought to myself, so why wasn’t I even in the running?
What
is it about these women that seem to have and hold the very essence of love
within them selves? They are able to connect with those very men that most women
truly desire, but cannot find. Feeling confused, I left, and with that the
thoughts left as well. Who really had the time to invest in any kind of loving
relationship? Surely not I.
As
the months passed I continued to enjoy living MY life. Not the life of a “we,”
and there was much joy in living that way, but on occasion I found myself
thinking about a partner. I wanted someone I could enjoy good conversation
with, and go out with occasionally. Maybe to the local pub for a good beer, or
to a friend’s house to watch a great game of football. Someone I could go to
the movies with. Deep down I knew there were limits to what I could give.
Friendship, not true deep committed love. Just friendship, that was all I had
to give. The days of wine and roses had long since past, and there wasn’t
anymore Love to give. I knew beyond anything else, I was incapable of being
intimate ever again.
That’s
when he showed up. How surprised I was that he had almost every quality that I
had desired. He seemed kind, generous, and he was real smart, in fact, almost
too smart! There wasn’t a conversation I couldn’t keep up with, and there was
so much interesting information inside his head. I loved that he was a musician
and artist, a farmer, plus he had even given me a “row” of dirt on the farm that
was to be my very own to plant anything I wanted in this coming season. It all
seemed so wonderful until he said those not so golden words. “I want to talk to
you,” he said with a tone of seriousness. “I really like you, and I want to be
your boyfriend, and I really think we should have sex! I want a companion.”
Seriously?
Was he just saying those words to me, as we sat on the futon in my very small
living room? Quick calculation 1st meeting lasted 4 hours, second
meeting lasted 5 hours, two trips to his house for the day, which included two
of the best home cooked meals ever, 16 hours, dinner at Souris 5 hours, then
tonight’s party 4 hours. Pretty ballsy… if you ask me. So spending 34 hours
with this stranger instantly qualified me as a potential girlfriend especially
if the sex turned out to be great? “I’m sorry, but I do not need to have
someone in my life. I don’t need or want a companion, and I am happy by
myself.” I replied. “I think you are very nice, and I have enjoyed our time
together, and our conversation, but I would have to think about this.”
Did I
look as stupid as I just thought he must think I am? “At our age, there is no
reason why we shouldn’t just dive right into this, right?” I wanted to say to
him in a sarcastic way. I had just spent the last 2 years working on myself and
trying to come to terms with all that had happened in my life, all the wrong
doings I had done, all the poor choices I had made, and people I had pushed
away because of my behavior, and I had finally found inner peace and happiness.
Two years of study, contemplation, change, challenges, and commitment to
self-improvement, and I wasn’t in the mood to flush all that down the toilet
for anyone!
I was
not seeking a sexual relationship, that, I was sure of. I was content with my
life of solitude. My life of ease, and I so enjoyed the fact that I could
finally do what I wanted when I wanted without any concern for another. I had
found my selfishness to be exactly what the doctor ordered. Oh, I could spend a
few hours with someone, but please don’t expect more than a friendship. I could
see how this was going to present some interesting challenges. Like driving
through San Francisco, without brakes. I actually felt the pain when on the 3rd
date he asked for a kiss. A kiss? You think I should kiss you just because I
have talked with you for 12 or 13 hours? I reluctantly gave into the kiss, but
it was like kissing the hood of my truck. What was this resistance that was
coming to surface?
There
was something that I found unsettling about him. Perhaps it was his love of
solitude, his dislike for humanity, his desire to control all conversation
because, after-all, he was a psychologist at one time, and he knew everything
about humanity, including their reasons for why they felt like they did. Or
maybe it was just simply the fact that I didn’t find him attractive enough to
desire a sexual relationship with him. Either way, the phone calls stopped, and
he quietly disappeared. Rather rude I thought. The least he could have done was
express that he was moving on in his search for a “companion,” but we could
still be friends.
I
rejoiced in the fact that we didn’t have sex because I knew that would have
been more than I could find comfort with. My intuition had been right on, and
for that I was grateful. Healing from this and moving into a lifestyle of being
celibate would be easy. I had learned that what I “thought” I wanted wasn’t
really what I wanted, because the thing I wanted doesn’t exist. I would simply
have to be okay with being completely alone. Female friendships would have to
be the only friendships I would attempt to cultivate, absolutely no more
male friendships, no matter what!
And
so, when she walked in and interrupted my conversation with her conversation
about the “goings on” in her life, I simply walked away without thinking too
much about it. Sitting in the big red chair, the only single seat in the house,
I started to play the “write a poem” game as I waited for the meeting to start. It
had been a long time since I had been here, and as much as it had taken real effort
to get there, I was glad I attended.
As everyone took a seat, she started in
with an endless flow of conversation about this and that, and from here to
there, and in an amazing way I began to notice she was such a loving spirit.
Her knowledge of life, love, and true spirit of the heart, far exceeded mine,
and I could feel the sincerity coming forth with every word as they danced away
from her. Even in her telling of the events in her life, which most people
would never have spoken of, she showed no embarrassment nor care of being
criticized, almost as if she never even considered that could happen. No ego. That’s the gift she had,
absolutely no ego.
She
is a far better person than I. That is the true attraction. For beauty is not
on the surface, it comes from within. That is why she has all that which others’
seek, and she always will, I thought to myself. I found her to be so
fascinating, a life overflowing with experiences that would have hardened the
soul of most, and the most captivating part of it was how she viewed those
experiences. Those weren’t thorns in her side, or scars which would never find
their way out, but all stepping-stones to where she was right now. Stepping-stones
to a life filled with wealth and an abundance of love, kindness, and
understanding. Not a fear based life, but a life filled with love so much so,
she was more than willing to share.
Now I
see what the attraction is, I see how I couldn’t touch the tip of her iceberg
if I tried. There will be much more to accomplish if I ever hope to be half the
woman she is. This one thing I do know for sure, I need to put my ego aside and
find that level of love. I also need to make her a friend because I want to
hear a lot more of what she has to say. She is a great teacher in disguise, and
while I may not have reached the level of love for all things that I would
like to reach, I know that through this friendship I can only grow more and
learn another way to view all that is.
She is a great teacher. I could almost guarantee she wouldn’t agree with that statement
because for her, she “just is.” However, being humble and not of the ego is
what creates space for love. I can hardly wait for our next meeting. I hope she
will attend thus giving me an opportunity to get to know her better. I think
she just might be what I was looking for. Right off the cover of Abundance
Magazine.
